I have always wondered why people cry or feel depressed. Always thought that there is nothing in this world that would ever be able to bring me to that state. I guess I was wrong. As you grow older, you start to understand the way the world works. For starters, the world doesn't revolve around you. Now I know it sounds harsh to hear this. People act as if they know what this means but they don't. Listening and comprehending it are two completely different things. This is something I realized a bit too late. This is my experience.
When I was younger, my grandfather always scolded me for being on my phone all the time and I used to hate him for this. I used to be the kind of person who prefers to stay indoors over going out and exploring the world. I never understood why he was always behind me. I blamed it on the age difference and to some extent, this helped come to my understanding. The thing is, he wasn't scolding me, he was giving me a life lesson. The thing with the older generation is that everything they say has a deeper meaning behind it, it just takes us a while to find it. He wanted me to realize that I was losing out on the world. My grandfather passed away in August 2020. Why do I always learn the lesson after it's been too long? I didn't realize how ignorant I had become. I didn't realize that I had limited time left with him. I lost him within a matter of seconds, didn't even get to say goodbye but I guess that's how life goes. You don't know the value of something until you lose it.
It's actually a conflict between the two generations. On one hand, they have some really great ideas due to their experiences, on another hand, they don't know everything. The problem is that both sides believe they are right, and this results in disagreements and disowning. Nobody is ready to accept the fact that they are wrong. I've always been told that since I'm a child, I am supposed to be wrong. I call bullshit on that, partially. The thing is that I agree that I could be wrong in certain situations but it has nothing to do with my age. Why should I just accept the fact that just because they are older, they are right? This just doesn't make sense. People do and say a lot of things when they are angry, this doesn't mean we should stay quiet about it. Now here is where my understanding comes in. I realized that every time I had a domestic issue at home, I used to lash out in anger. After some quiet thinking and reflecting, I understood that this wasn't the way. The more I speak, the more the person in front of me would want to speak. This is just how people are, they need to show their power, no matter the consequences. Just the other day I had another issue at home where I was told that I was not wanted. My parents didn't want me as a son. I'll admit, it hurt like hell, but I didn't say anything. I knew that it wasn't worth it and that my words would be falling over deaf ears. I don't really have the strength to argue with anyone anymore so I just give up. It seems to be the easiest way out. I feel as if I have lost my parents and honestly I believe that I'm better off alone because I just can't tolerate the same thing every day. It just gets tiresome. Many renowned psychologists have claimed that talking to our parents is the best course of action, but what should I do when I'm just not wanted? Who do I speak to then? It really makes one question who he really is.
We don't know who we really are. It may take days or years to figure this out. No matter how many perfect plans we may have, in the end, we still wouldn't know what fills the empty void inside us. This is the type of thing that keeps me awake at night. I just can't sleep anymore. I just end up dreaming of situations where I have achieved everything I ever wanted, or so I think. The common trend that I noticed behind these dreams is that I end up happy. In every one of those situations, I am happy. I guess that's what the end goal is supposed to be, to be happy. To break the cycle that we follow mindlessly every day. That cycle has become so painful that I have forgotten how to enjoy life. It's sad that my life has come to this and I am almost positive that I'm not alone in this. Somewhere out there, there is someone just like me going through the same painful cycle everyday, losing the meaning and will to live. It's funny, people consider depression to be the new cool trend, and its edgy look masks the people who are actually suffering. Who are these people? Socialites? Probably. We may never know how it actually got to this stage, and I guess it doesn't really even matter anymore.
The people who were suffering, are still suffering. The people who were lost, are still lost.